Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
