chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
