dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
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And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
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Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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