so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
