The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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