as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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