No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
