I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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