it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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