Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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