the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
