i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
