My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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