wrigley field is MILF paradise
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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