yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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