i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
