i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
