12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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