I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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