the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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