So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
