Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
