I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
