IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
