Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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