I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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