Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
