the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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