while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
