she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
kristin has been a bad kristin
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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