I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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