For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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