Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You have to summon your inner elephant
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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