i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
