All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
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Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
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Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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