Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
