I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
