When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
