if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
