i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
