Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
