I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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