either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
