pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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