the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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