I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
