I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
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