i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
