i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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