My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
