at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
sex in a hospital.. check
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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