go do what you do best...puke behind churches
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
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I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
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Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck