How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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