The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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