he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
