i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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