I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
