We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
