Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
