yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
