Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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